For my first blog, I’d like to share the story of a patient and family I took care of recently, since I started doing crisis care. Below you will find that story, why this family touched me and even the answer to the question so many hospice nurses are posed with: “How do you do it??”
I arrived at a huge, beautiful house in a very nice neighborhood in Oviedo, Florida, to be greeted at the door by my patient’s grandson, a very nice looking young man who promptly introduced himself with a smile and welcomed me in. He then announced me to his mother, who was in the bedroom while I paused in the dining room, and took in the beauty of their perfectly decorated, immaculately clean home. I was then invited into the office, which also serves as the patient’s room.
I found the patient’s mother at the desk, on the phone. She quickly told the person she was speaking to that the nurse was here and she would talk to them later and stood to welcome me. She immediately began chattering away to me as if she had known me all her life. Now this may sound strange to some, but I sometimes can meet a person and have a certain “feeling” about them right off the bat. Sometimes it’s a really good feeling, and sometimes it is negative. But I usually find out later that the feeling was valid. I took an instant like to this woman! I felt like I had known her forever, and felt like part of the family within minutes. In fact, I was told several times “you are family”.
What a privilege!! I have thought about this often during the past few weeks, people welcoming me into their homes, going to bed and trusting me to care for their loved ones, and how amazing it is that they put their trust in someone they have never met like that, so readily. Granted, I am a nurse, and from a respectable, very well known hospice, but still! Maybe it’s because of some bad experiences in my past, which to speak of would mean a whole other blog, and the fact that I am a hospice nurse, but I don’t know that I would be so trusting if it were me and my loved one. I must say I feel very honored that I am trusted in this matter, and respect that and strive to be worthy of that trust and care for that patient as if they were my own family. While they are under my care, they are “mine”, simple as that!
To get back to the point, every single family member welcomed me with open arms and made me feel at home. The daughter’s husband came in soon after I got there and said he was going to McDonald’s and wanted to know what he was getting me, and it didn’t sound like I had a choice, so I let them buy me dinner. Some people are just like that, they just won’t take no for an answer. The second night I was there was Mother’s day, and the husband cooked. I was told to heat some of the food up when I was ready to eat, and scolded in the morning for not having eaten any of it. I did say no to the coffee on the first morning, but not the second, which was this morning! That coffee had some kick, hence me finally deciding to blog, and this long dissertation as a result!
I also got to meet the patient’s oldest daughter who flew in from New York on the morning of my second shift. She may have taken 5 minutes to warm up to me, but after that, she was just as open and by the way talkative, as her sister! She sat up with me until well after 1 am, chatting about all kinds of things. The three of us women spent some time in the patient’s room together chatting and talk to her for quite a while. Another thing I have to mention is that although this was a Spanish speaking family, whenever they talked in front of me, they spoke English, for the most part. That was a truly amazing gift, I think! We had some girl time, talking about shopping and clothing and there was a whole lot of reminscing done by the entire family. The nurse that followed me after my first night told me of family who had visited during the day. One of them was an eight year old boy who played the guitar and sang. Also, she got to watch a video of all of them at a wedding reception, I believe they said, from years ago, dancing and got to see the patient as she used to be. By the time I met her she was pretty much unresponsive. This is one of the saddest parts of my job, that I don’t get to meet my patients at their best, and only get to know them by what the family tells me. Granted, they do a wonderful job of that, usually, but still!
Now that I have explained how open and welcome this family was, let me tell you the best part! The love this family have for each other is truly astounding! They are all so close knit and caring and warm, especially towards my patient. The younger daughter, whom the patient lives with is of course the main caregiver. I cannot remember how long she had cared for her mother, just know that it has been years, on and off, and that they even used to take her on vacation with them and she was a great help in raising her five children, the youngest who has cerebral palsy. Yes, this woman is caring for her mother as well as a disabled son, and keeping an immaculate house, she is truly a hero in my eyes!
Her husband is very supportive. He comes from a family of 14 children, and has always thought of her as his own mother. He made two trips to the store to get medications for the patient, got food for us, and cooked a huge dinner for Mother’s day,and also helps care for the youngest son. He was very kind to me, request along with his wife that I come back a second night, kissed me on the head and wished me happy Mother’s day, and even gave me his business card. He does air conditioning, a good person to know in sunny Floridia!
The oldest daughter was very loving towards her mother. She rubbed her with lotion and loved on her and talked to her and read her the Bible. She has been coming to visit every few months and staying for a month at a time, she told me. At home she helps her husband run their dry cleaning business, babysits and transports her grandchild whose mother is nearing the end of a second pregnancy,and is an avid shopper for deals. We had a good time talking about shopping and finding deals and I was shown some very nice clothing she had found for next to nothing. I understood how torn she must be with her daughter close to delivery and her mother at the end of life.
I do not come from a close knit family. We tend to go our own ways and speak occasionally, and I guess that is one of the reasons other cultures and people in general have always fascinated me. It was such a great experience, and privlege, if I may say so again, to be taken into this family and allowed to experience what it is like to this kind of love and caring and dedication. Also, I have always loved the feeling of being “taken back” to another place, another time, when things were so much simpler. Not that I don’t appreciate modern technology, but I often wish for a slower paced, uncomplicated existence without passwords and PINS to remember. This family definitely took me back, with all they shared about past events.
Also, the pictures they had in that house told a story. They do say a picture paints a thousand words, right? Well, the pictures you find in people’s houses tell a whole lot about them, if you think about it. I have been to homes of artist and found their paintings were the main focus, and even a man who was well known for his stamp art with it prominently displayed. I have been to homes of people with a good amount of money and beautiful artwork graced the walls and stole the focus, even with family pictures on the mantle. I bet you can guess what the focus was on the walls in this home! Go ahead, you know the answer…..yes….family! But what I bet you didn’t guess was the magnitude of pictures displayed. They were all over the walls in that office, on the computer screen, on the desk, and in the living room as well as dining room. I love to look at the pictures of the families I visit, each and everyone of them. I like to see who it is the patient cares about, and to see them in their younger days. Unless the family shows me the pictures, I save their viewing until I get really sleepy and feel the need to walk. That is when I tour the pictures, and try to figure out who’s who.
I was in hog heaven at that house! Plenty of pictures to look at! I really didn’t get sleepy there at all. Part of that was that I stayed pretty busy the first night, and had company until later than usual the second night. Also, I hope and pray that I am adjusting to this night shift business!
No matter what I have done in my career as an RN, from ICU to ER and hospice, and everything in between, I have always learned. I have learned nursing skills, many of them technical, from being a pretty darn good “sticker” to advanced cardiac life support, but the most important things I have learned about caring for people is the things I have learned from families, and my patients themselves. If someone asked me to tell them one single important thing to remember as a beginning nurse, I would say LISTEN. Listen to your patients, your families, your colleagues and to yourself and your instincts. Do not listen to just their voices, listen also to their body language. Listen, and respond accordingly. And, listen to your instincts and that small voice inside yourself that can guide you to do the right thing if only you will learn to allow it.
One last parting thought….when I tell people I am a hospice nurse, I often get the response “I don’t know how you do it”. My answer has lately become “I do it because it’s what I have to do”. I bet other unspoken questions might be “How can you do it?” or even “Why do you do it?” I do it because I truly care for people and it is my calling to care for them at one of their most important life events, the last one, the last time that they can be cared for by us immortals. Next to birth, this has got to be the time when care is needed most and they need to have people who are committed to their comfort and the support of their families at heart. I do this to experience for a brief time, the lives of these families and to share my knowledge and compassion for others with them. I do this because it is what I am supposed to do.
